Today is the day after my 34th birthday. My mind has been restless lately.

I spent most of my birthday yesterday thinking and writing things down - trying to recall things from the past, and trying to remember every single  detail, and then writing them down. What's the point, you ask? I don't know either, but my mind keeps telling me to do it so I do it to hopefully get some peace, but it goes on.

So yesterday I tracked down, using my memory, photo gallery, posts, messages, and even my Shopee and Lazada records how I transformed my condo from 2014 to 2021. After that, I tracked down how I transformed my room in Laguna from January to March 2021. It was a tiring exercise, really. It was a struggle for me because I wanted to be present and enjoy my birthday, be with my family, but my mind kept telling me to do something else. I also ended up writing in detail almost every activity I did on my birthday. 

Thankfully,  though, in the afternoon, after work, I was able to stay put, and sit down, and just enjoy a long conversation with my Ate and Kuya. We talked about a lot of things, including my anxiety. I find that talking to people really makes me feel better. I may not get the exact response that I expect, but it still helps. 

Anyway, this morning I woke up with the same anxious feeling about trying to remember things. This time, it's about past Christmases. Funnily enough, the thought entered my mind because of the very pen I was writing things down with, because I knew there was a Christmas story behind it. I just couldn't remember which year. Because of the thought, I kept trying to remember the gifts I got and bought in recent years. I thought about it tall morning while I took a walk with Ate, Kuya, and the kids. I kept scouring pictures and chats for clues, and yes, I figured it out.

Hence, this post. I though maybe it would put my mind at peace if I wrote about it.

I love Christmases with my family, and I love getting gifts for them. However, in 2018, I also found out about myself that I equally love receiving gifts. Why? Because in 2018, I thought I didn't get anything. 

2018 was kind of a big one. We spent it here in Laguna. Coco was just born, and Ate's relatives from Bicol, including the kids' cousins, went over to visit. In addition, My Tito Ronnie, Tita Ness and Arwin also visited to see the kids. There being a lot of kids that Christmas, the gift giving event was a bit chaotic. As chaotic as it was, though, It still occurred to me that I didn't get a gift from my Ate and Kuya. 

It surprised even me how upset I was at the thought. I remember being extra upset because I knew they got gifts for other people. In fact, Ate even asked me to buy a present for my little sister. I wondered why they would have skipped me. I ended up telling my Mom about it. After telling her about it, she gave me a small gift with writing that suspiciously looked liked hers, and told me maybe I just didn't see the gift that was meant for me.

That small package had 2 Uni pens in it, one gold and one pink. The pink one is the one in the picture. It has been with me for 3 years now. Actually, the pink one already lost its ink, and I ended up transferring the ink from the gold to the pink. I have been writing things down using this pen for the longest time, even after its cap broke and it often rolls away from my notebook and falls to the floor.

So that's the story of the pen. Every time I look at it, I am reminded that whenever I feel unloved, I should tell myself that I am. I will never really know if my Ate and Kuya indeed forgot about me that Christmas. Even if they did, that does not mean that they don't love me. Maybe they were just too busy, with all the relatives and the kids. In any case, if my theory is correct, I will always remember how my mom made the effort to make it appear that I was not in fact forgotten by giving me the pens.

How do I make sense of all these thoughts? Maybe, the point is, we are all human. I am human - I cannot remember everything perfectly, but I can always cherish memories as I remember them. The people around me, my family, friends, are human - they may not do things right all the time, but they are still there. Maybe the point is, to worry less about forgetting about the past to the point that I don't get to enjoy my present, and to just do what I can to live my life, moving forward, the best way I can.

I just hope my mind calms down enough to let me live my life.

A Question.

What would be the worse of two fates?

To exist without feeling,
Or to cease to exist?

This is the last time I will think about us.

This is the last time I will think about us.

I wanted to write that this is the last time I will think about you, but I know I can’t do that. There will always be something that would remind me of you, the man who broke not just my heart, but who broke me.

I would always see places that we went to, always see things that meant something to the both of us, always see someone who knew us.

I think the random things that would send signals to my brain and produce an image of you are out of my control, but I know I can decide to not ever think about us again.

The us that once was. The us that I secretly, silently, hoped would come back at some point in time.

The you that was kind to me, and the me that meant something to you.

The you who would have given me the moon, the stars, and the universe, and the me who you wanted more than anything else but never truly loved.

The you who never failed to call me everyday and would always ask me how I am and how my day went. The me who would always pretend to not care but who would always flash a megawatt smile whenever I saw your name on my phone.

The you who made me feel so special and would surprise me with sweet little nothings. The me who would gush even at just the sight of your smile.

The you who made these grand plans for us. The me who always said that it was too soon to make all these plans but who secretly held on to each little word you said but never meant.

Yes, this will be the last time, because finally, I understand why it was for the best for us to part ways.

Not that I condone how you left me high and dry, but now I understand why it had to be that way.

Why I had to see you turn into this heartless person who had no concern at all for me.

Why I had to endure and swallow every bitter word you said when you willingly, shamelessly, and thoroughly explained why you didn’t want me anymore.

Why you always made it clear that I shouldn’t expect anything from you and yet left a little light of hope for that “maybe someday” just so I would stick around.

Why you so conveniently labeled us “friends” even though we never were and you never treated me like a “friend” would.

Why you made me feel that I had to earn the privilege of being loved by someone like you.

Why you coldly just answered “I don’t know” when I asked you whether or not I’m a bad person.

Why you promised to talk to me when you were ready but never did.

Why you just kept me hanging there and bled me dry until finally I got too weak to keep holding on.

I understand now that I had to go through all those things to be where I am now.

To heal, to learn, to grow, to flourish.

Yes, I have decided to forgive you a long time ago. I still decide that everyday, but no, I have not forgotten how painful it was to be betrayed, berated, and to be taken advantage of.

I think I never will forget, but I know that someday even if I remember I would not feel any pain.

I know someday I would not only tell myself but would also truly believe that you are not a bad person just because you did bad things to me.

This is the last time I will think about us, the you and the me that once was and never will be again.

I wish you all the best.

Midnight Owl

Hap Chan with Bong

Last Wednesday after doing yoga I found myself craving for comfort food and good company (I spend most of my time alone because of bar review).

It was a good thing my friend Bong was available. I picked him up in UP and then we thought about where we wanted to go. We had a hard time because both of us were starving. We ended up driving to Tomas looking for a place where they serve soup. 

While driving, I remembered Hap Chan, a Chinese restaurant my family used to visit often. I liked their jumbo siopao so much that my Tita would order it for me for take out many a night during exams.

I knew they had a branch somewhere in Tomas but because of deficient brain functions due to starvation, Bong and I got lost. Foursquare however led us to their E. Rodriguez branch.

Hap Chan had been expanding recently and had re-fashioned their restaurant image. As compared to before, their restaurants are now more posh:

Fancy furniture and lanterns

This is just me, but I preferred the overall feel of the old Hap Chan, which was more down-to earth and busy (I miss 'em dimsum carts!).

Both Bong and I ended up ordering their beef brisket mami (P120 for solo serving). Serving size was good, and the soup was good with that comforting umami taste. I like that it was served hot enough. However, the beef was tough and wasn't as tendon-rich as I hoped. Considering that this dish was supposed to be a best seller, I was disappointed.

Bong putting pepper in his soup

We also both ordered their bola-bola siopao (P80) (We're two peas, I know!). I'd have to say, although the taste was still there (Hap Chan siopaos have that distinct taste that I love) It seems like Hap Chan is now scrimping on its ingredients. The meat was not as siksik  as it used to be. Same for the bun texture. The sauce is also more malabnaw now.

Bola-bola siopao

Me and my siopao 

Lastly, I ordered their hakaw (P85). Bong ordered siomai instead. I'm afraid that their hakaw also suffered from their scrimping. There were more extenders than shrimp in 'em. So sad. :( Still tasty though.

Hakaw

In spite of Hap Chan betraying my fond memories of it, Bong and i still had a good time. You can't beat good company :). Also, we were super starving and "Masarap kumain pag gutom". Haha.