Starting from scratch

This is the first time in a long time that I will post something substantial on this blog. I have never seen myself as a writer. I am not the kind of person who could write something worth reading at any given moment. I just write when I feel like it, and well, you've guessed it. I feel like writing now.

The idea of writing on this blog again came to me after a quick conversation with a friend. I told him, maybe I should start keeping a diary so I would be forced to do something interesting every so often so that I would be able to write in it. He said that if I was serious about this idea, then I should start a blog, because then it would be public and there would be pressure to write. The idea of exposing my thoughts on such a public platform made me give him the automatic response of "I don't think so". While on my way home, however, I remembered that I already have a blog, and yes, I have exposed myself before, so maybe it's not that bad. Makakatipid pa ako. My blog isn't that popular anyway, hehe. So here I go.

I already feel better about it after typing those two paragraphs :). By "it", I refer not only to the idea of writing, but also to the rut I am now in. You see, there are two reasons why non-writers such as myself are brought into writing: being very happy, or being very sad. I write when I'm very happy because I just can't contain myself and I want to share it and I want to immortalize that feeling by writing it down. I write when I'm very sad because it's a way for me to transform everything I feel into something I can read, observe, and analyze. Somehow, reading what I wrote about how I feel helps me make some sense out of this web of emotions.

So what happened? I got dumped. Ouch. It's so hard to type that, but I have to do it. The first step to moving on is accepting the situation. Isa pa. I got dumped. Sakit pa rin. Haha! See? I'm already joking about it. Rejected, discarded, deemed unnecessary and unwanted. It sucks, big time. It also happened at the worst possible time! Just before my birthday, just before Christmas. And also, as my good friend pointed out, at the time when I'm in Limbo.

Why am I in Limbo? I just graduated. I graduated late, which means all my batchmates have already taken the bar and are looking for real jobs now. I do have a job, but it's not a "real" job. Well, it is, but I say it's not "real" because it's not what I really want to do. I keep it so I get money, that's it. Yes, I will be taking the bar, but it's still a year from now. I am studying for it, but not "really", since it is too early. So I'm in Limbo because I'm not really doing anything "real" right now. Not like before, when I was on track, when ever single thing I did I knew I did for a purpose, and on a schedule. I feel stuck, and I always feel like I'm just waiting for something to happen. Add all this up with the fact that I just got dumped by a person I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with, and you have a very very sad person, starting from scratch.

I can't be sad forever. I don't want to be. I in fact try not to be every single day. I pray, I read, I pep myself up, I do what I can, but these things don't cut it anymore. I have to step it up. My good friend said that I should do what I love to do. But what do I love to do? Haha. I spent so much time trying to be the perfect girlfriend that I forgot already.

To help me get back on track, I am making a list of things I think I love to do. The next step is finding a way to do them. Okay, so here's the list:

1. Having interesting conversations with people
2. Watching funny movies or shows
3. Singing
4. Reading fiction
5. Traveling to new places
6. Enjoying food
7. Pampering myself
8. Studying Law
9. Learning new things
10. Keeping myself fit and beautiful

I hope this helps.