Today is the day after my 34th birthday. My mind has been restless lately.

I spent most of my birthday yesterday thinking and writing things down - trying to recall things from the past, and trying to remember every single  detail, and then writing them down. What's the point, you ask? I don't know either, but my mind keeps telling me to do it so I do it to hopefully get some peace, but it goes on.

So yesterday I tracked down, using my memory, photo gallery, posts, messages, and even my Shopee and Lazada records how I transformed my condo from 2014 to 2021. After that, I tracked down how I transformed my room in Laguna from January to March 2021. It was a tiring exercise, really. It was a struggle for me because I wanted to be present and enjoy my birthday, be with my family, but my mind kept telling me to do something else. I also ended up writing in detail almost every activity I did on my birthday. 

Thankfully,  though, in the afternoon, after work, I was able to stay put, and sit down, and just enjoy a long conversation with my Ate and Kuya. We talked about a lot of things, including my anxiety. I find that talking to people really makes me feel better. I may not get the exact response that I expect, but it still helps. 

Anyway, this morning I woke up with the same anxious feeling about trying to remember things. This time, it's about past Christmases. Funnily enough, the thought entered my mind because of the very pen I was writing things down with, because I knew there was a Christmas story behind it. I just couldn't remember which year. Because of the thought, I kept trying to remember the gifts I got and bought in recent years. I thought about it tall morning while I took a walk with Ate, Kuya, and the kids. I kept scouring pictures and chats for clues, and yes, I figured it out.

Hence, this post. I though maybe it would put my mind at peace if I wrote about it.

I love Christmases with my family, and I love getting gifts for them. However, in 2018, I also found out about myself that I equally love receiving gifts. Why? Because in 2018, I thought I didn't get anything. 

2018 was kind of a big one. We spent it here in Laguna. Coco was just born, and Ate's relatives from Bicol, including the kids' cousins, went over to visit. In addition, My Tito Ronnie, Tita Ness and Arwin also visited to see the kids. There being a lot of kids that Christmas, the gift giving event was a bit chaotic. As chaotic as it was, though, It still occurred to me that I didn't get a gift from my Ate and Kuya. 

It surprised even me how upset I was at the thought. I remember being extra upset because I knew they got gifts for other people. In fact, Ate even asked me to buy a present for my little sister. I wondered why they would have skipped me. I ended up telling my Mom about it. After telling her about it, she gave me a small gift with writing that suspiciously looked liked hers, and told me maybe I just didn't see the gift that was meant for me.

That small package had 2 Uni pens in it, one gold and one pink. The pink one is the one in the picture. It has been with me for 3 years now. Actually, the pink one already lost its ink, and I ended up transferring the ink from the gold to the pink. I have been writing things down using this pen for the longest time, even after its cap broke and it often rolls away from my notebook and falls to the floor.

So that's the story of the pen. Every time I look at it, I am reminded that whenever I feel unloved, I should tell myself that I am. I will never really know if my Ate and Kuya indeed forgot about me that Christmas. Even if they did, that does not mean that they don't love me. Maybe they were just too busy, with all the relatives and the kids. In any case, if my theory is correct, I will always remember how my mom made the effort to make it appear that I was not in fact forgotten by giving me the pens.

How do I make sense of all these thoughts? Maybe, the point is, we are all human. I am human - I cannot remember everything perfectly, but I can always cherish memories as I remember them. The people around me, my family, friends, are human - they may not do things right all the time, but they are still there. Maybe the point is, to worry less about forgetting about the past to the point that I don't get to enjoy my present, and to just do what I can to live my life, moving forward, the best way I can.

I just hope my mind calms down enough to let me live my life.